have nothin' 2 say

u know when u sometimes get the feelin' that u ruined everything
that because of u everything u once knew about LOVE, HOPE ,secuire , FAMILY is ripped apart !
because of u , ur beloved once will be condimned to live in pain , sorrow and insecuire for the rest of thier lives..
because of wut u once said without givin' it any thought u have became someone complicated, broken , confused about LOVE , hope , secuire , and FAMILY ,
u couldn't tell !!

i think about it now and i jst
have absoloutly nothin' 2 say !

sorry , i guess !

Jst wanna be SOMETHING else

i wanna dance..
i wanna speak all my thoughts out loud
no matter how my thoughts breaks traditions
no matter how many ppl it could make upset
i wanna tourl under the rain
wanna hug a tree , climb and jump down !!
wanna draw a smily face inside of a broken heart
wanna do so many million things i couldn't do before
wanna laugh out loud
say words i shouldn't say
wanna have a forever long lastin' love
wanna cut off my long hair !

i wanna do so many diffrent things

i jst wanna have the chance to live the live i always wanted
to be Something else

thank u

i'm a liar

if i bleed

Myspace Emo Comments

in my shoes

Graphics for Emo Comments

it's too late to apologize..
--------------------------------

jst missin' arOUnd

A Story of Being EMO !!

i think about my self.. i don't know what am i doing!!.. i'm changing and very VERY fast to something so VAGUE .
i don't know anything about it..
all the romantic memories are held deep inside of me.. and on the surface lies something else.. something from another dream..a dark one !!
i'm being gloomy from inside and acting cheerful on the outside..i'm wearing black all the time and from within i yarn for the colors..
the emo phase i'm goin' through is so demanding.. i need to be something else while from within.. i can't be but me..
i discovered that i'm too nice to be agressive.. and although i'm really rough on the outside "or so it would seem" i'm still so tangable and sensitive from within.. i get hurt and hide it with my violent act..
i'm such a SCHIZOPHRANIC person..i can't even understand what am i tryin' to prove to everyone else?!..
what am i tryin' to prove to my self?!..
that i stopped caring?..
well, FUCK THAT !!

i dont need to show ANYBODY that i'm so sewed together while i just FALL APART when nobody's looking..

i jst want to be me for once.. without caring.. i'm so messed up!! i feel so lost..
and i'm afraid to admit it.. but i still think about THE ONE PERSON who will be my other half..
Just DESPERETLY NEED A SOUL MATE..
and i know it sounds so childesh and stupidly romantic for someone like me.. but still, i need to live it real.. may be jst so i van believe again..

i need to believe that their's someone out there for me..
looking for me jst the same..
that their is something such as miracles.. that they really do happen..
i need my miracle to be him..
my soul mate
he'll mean a whole lots of things to me..

i keep trying to force my self into this eno thing..
it's like forcing my self into a key hole in the door..
i'm so VARIOUS to be in one style..
i'm so disconnected and full of everything.. i even surprise myself..
i cut my hair the EMO cut.. so unique, yet so agressive and not booring..
got the emo socks, the emo outfit, the emo music style.. the noise..
everything.. but still, something's wrong ..i even cut my self and their was no blood !!

and now, wearing black but yet.. being cheerful is so phsyco that i don't know who am i any more !!

i think i forgot how to cry..!!
and my currentlu most romantical dream is to find him who would gladely take me in his arms so i could cry deeply and ask him anxiously..
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE U BEEN ALL THOSE YEARS?!"
Yeah!!.. where the hell are you?
why aren't you here beside me?..
Now look at me.. i'm so broken and messed up.. and WHINING!!..
i can't admit it ,still..
but inside of me i know i'm only Bluffing.. i really need someone..
Everybody needs someone beside them.. it's a part of who we are..
the thing is.. i've always denied my needs.. even when that bastard left me all broken and messed up.. i couldn't admit that i was broken.. i even shouted clearly to anyone who tried to help me..
"STOP TRYIN' TO FIX ME..
I'M NOT FUCKIN' BROKEN"
YEAH. i thought that being agressive will hide all of my severe pain and injury..

well, it worked !!
but i'm still severly injured and now..
their's no one to fix me..
no one's know i'm broken..
and i'm too DAMN PROUD to admit that i need somebody..
anybody..!!

oh GOD..

why is it so hard to understand..
is it for some sort of a "HIGHER CAUSE?!"

Well, i'm fuckin' tired!!..
i need some space..

i need someone who for once understand everything i've been through..
my abandoned father.. my destroyed childhood.. my fucked up last romance
and worst of all..
my can't-have'babies trajedy..

without even needing to talk..
cause i'm jst sick of words..

i can't accept it.. i just woke up and found out that life isn't worth living..

how can i be so stupid.. i mean jst convincing everyone that i'm that super girl who doesn't care and doesn't have anyproblems, while i'm torturing myself from within..

now everybody thinks i'm tough and that i don't need anybody.. but in fact, this is the story of me turning to EMO..

the real me is just hiding.. and that girl is so EMO that she doesn't fully understand "what do others mean when they call her a tough girl"?

maybe because she was hiding a long tome inside of me..
i can't get the hang of things when she appears to the surface..
and now being emo is jst like putting her appearance on my fake behaviour..

it's like wearing black and being cheerful..
doesn'r MIX..
but still,
i'm different..
and i BLIND any how!!..
so do you still think i'm weak?!
i think i'm EXCITING.. so how about that?!!

feb16,2009

what the HECK !!.. love is TORTURE any way ..

i jst don't know anymore
what am i?
am i the kind heart person
or have i developed into something more predator?
life make u change..
the changes that comes to be in u are because of the influences that others had made on u
we influence each other in a way we could never think about
and may be that's what i became
i became something more of like a teacher
i stopped caring about my relationships
just lost the interest one day
cause i found that
love is torture
it's jst not worth the suffering
and now..
i only have interest when it comes to fixin' other ppl's lives
may be i became something UNDEFINABLE
but what i care about for now
is to have my magic touch back..
on other ppl' lives
i can spare them the severe pain of missing up their lives.. their love.. and their personalities
jst being lost searching for the truth of themselves
because that's what i have became
i'm always in a way searching for the unfulfillable truth
about what i was
and what i can be

so jst for now
i'll stop lookin' for the one who makes sense of who i am
and jst be spontaneously magical and influence every lost soul i found in my way of achieving self confident and loving life

what the HECK !! love is TORTURE anyway..

yet another QUOTE!!

"I've learned that things change,
ppl change..
and it doesnt mean u forget to try to cover it up
it simply means that u move on..
and treasure the memories"


jst a quote i thought i might begin with :)
for a new era..
a new life that is reborned from the ashes
and let it be a glaring phoenix that rises from the dirt
to fly above the enormous sky of liberty

rehab

Baby Baby
When we first met, I never felt something so strong
You were like my lover and my best friend
All wrapped into one with a ribbon on it
And all of a sudden you went and left
I didn't know how to follow
It's like a shock that spun me around
And now my heart's dead
I feel so empty and hollow

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to ya (to ya)
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do ya (do ya)?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you are the one to blame
And now I feel like - ooh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
You should just go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Damn, ain't it crazy when you're loveswept
You'd do anything for the one you love
Cause anytime that you needed me, I'd be there
Its like you were my favorite drug
The only problem was that you was using me
In a different way than I was using you
But now that I know that it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta wean myself off of you

And I'll never give myself to another the way I gave it to ya (to ya)
Don't even recognize the ways you hurt me, do ya?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you are the one to blame
Cause now I feel like - ooh!

You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

Oh - Oh
Now ladies gimme that..
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Ouh Oh
Now gimme that
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Now ladies gimme that..
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh
Now gimme that
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh-Oh
Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh

You're the reason why I'm thinking
I don't wanna smoke on these cigarettes no more
I guess that's what i get for wishful thinking
Should've never let you enter my door
Next time you wanna go on and leave
I should just let you go on and do it
'Cause now I'm using like I bleed

It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
It's like I checked in to rehab
And baby, you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease
I've gotta check in to rehab
'Cause baby you're my disease

sometimes i like being left alone..

i sometimes have this urge that shuts anything else in me..
the urge to push everybody away
and jst b with my self
i wanna go far away..
and never wanna look back
the past hurts.. u know
everything that we once had became something else
more dreadful
more severe..

sometimes i like being left alone..
jst to b with my self and think..
what have i done to deserve such an injury?!..
such pain that kills me inside over and OVER AGAIN!!
all what u have been to me.. was a lovely shade..
u were e remarkable dream
a dream that i can't jst quite forget..

i want it back !!
every thing..

the dragging lulls.. and the visionary whispers cutting the edge of the night ..

the thing is
i don't want you any more

i want someone else..
someone who actually cares ..
someone who wants me the same as i need him ..

i want someone who is much better than you..
but right now ...
i jst want to be left alone..
jst by my self ..

dedicated to my talented baby sister..

i wrote this piece 2 years ago in a final exam in writting..

it's about childhood friend..


i don't know why.. but i jst felt like publishin' it..

dedicated to my talented baby sister :)
-------------------------

Childhood Friend

I remember it as if it were yesterday. The first time she appeared in my life to make it blossom, like a wild dashing rose. I never had any friends actually. Not until I was 15. But with her I never needed any friends. Her name is Miral. In Turkish it meant a young Gazelle. And so was she, a young, wild, lovable Deer. When ever I think of her I remember all of her "Childhood Adventures" as I like to call them. One of her own adventures that I like to remember is backing a cake on the kitchen's floor. She was only 4 while I was 8. My mother found her on the floor putting milk and eggs on the flour. And she was very happy with her "Cake on the Floor". Mom was very angry but I laughed till the other day. Another accident of her lovable games I still remember is "Swimming with the Fishes". We found her in the bathroom sink swimming with the uncooked fish my father bought us for dinner. Yes. She was always a trouble maker. But somehow I was in love with the way she makes life noisy but yet comfortable to live. I admit it. Being an older sister always gave me something to fear. But she always made me want to be a better person. She was always by my side when I needed her. And that's all what friendship is about. I've watched her growing up over the years of my life like a wild Gazelle. And yet I've watched her making life such a fantasy world worth to live. I'm proud to say it now after 13 years of giving and caring. That she is my young sister, my real best friend.
Written by,
Nehal

---------------------------------------------------



all the drawings in this piece are by my talented baby sister :)
hope she achieve her dream of getting into Art school :)
may God bless u with a HAPPY, Wonderful new year Marmar :)

Jaque Fresco's Utopia on earth.. "the venus project"

i used to think that the concept of utopia is way beyond our reach in the physical form..
that every one holds some pieces of it within..
that it's something moral than a tangible fact..
but after this.. i guess that the utopia can really be made.

i have seen lately William Gazeki’s documentary "Future by Design"

and it's truley Amazing..
Jaque Fresco show us the way to build a new civilization that is not "perfect" but better..
some say that there isn't a thing such as perfection..
well, i think Jaque Fresco's point of view is pretty amazing..
we donot want to be perfect
but we know that we can do much better..
that we can make both technology and environment coexist without distroying one another..
i think every body should see the William Gazeki’s documentary "Future by Design"

for those who haven't you can have a quick glance at my very personal "utopia on earth" by Jaque Fresco..


http://consultaglobal.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/

PHASES

DENIAL

the truth is i don't know what is wrong with me lately..
I'm being cheerful more than ever..
I'm always smiling.. laughing..trying to have fun and to live my life to the extreme.
something i'm not used to do usually..
my best friend thinks it's because of the shock..
what?!
shock!!
do i look shocked to anyone?!!
i'm just feeling a little happy that's all.
i'm feeling freedom crossing through me.. just pass me by.
is it so wrong for me to be happy..
i mean..
i can be happy.. without being shocked

ANGER


what the FUCK !!
what does he mean by that?
did he just dump ME !!
or was he just playing STUPID.. and faking GOOD..
"i don't want u to wait 4 me" like he doesn't really want me to suffer..
YEAH right, i belive u ... NOT !!
what did he say again
"i didn't want to hurt u.. by teeling u i don't have feelings 4 u"
WELL, you should of thought about this EARLIER when u FUCKING made me believe u were FUCKIN' IN LOVE with me..
and now look who is the one who got HURT
of course the STUPID girl who is HEAD OVER HEELS 4 someone who doesn't deserve a SHIT !
you know what?
i don't CARE !!
i don't EVEN CARE about someone so FUCKIN' LOW..
you are just PATHETIC..
i pity u cause u wont get to feel the truth about LOVE
u know why..
cause your a fuckin' JURK !
that's why...

BARGAINING

well..
i guess i was wrong !
not about you bieng a JURK.. cause belive me i still belive u will never change..
some people never change ,you know.
but i guess i just can't understand what u r
for all what i've had seen from u was just too much for me to take.
i just felt for the first time plain HATRED !!
and now..
looking from where i'm standing right now..
i can tell u i would do anything just to have u back..
and i don't know why..
it looks like life isn't complete that way..
when u r not around..
there is always something missing.
you where everything that i'm not.
and now look where u took me..
u took me to BARGAINING.
i just would do anything to take all those years back..
to be just your friend and nothing more..
to be there for you
and you will be there for me too.
i just can't comprehend right now why can't we take all those years like nothing had happend
as of i never loved you..
but you know..
i just wish..
and not all my wishes come true.


ACCEPTANCE

well, what do you know !!
we all have to reach this point some time.
i think I've accepted the fact that you wont be there for me after all!
i guess I'm shocked !
between you and me, i think i'm OVER YOU !
Yeah, i know.. it feels GREAT!
i mean it was just like a minute ago when u told me u don't love me..
and .. i just don't care.
I'm getting along with my life.
with the fact that i can find somebody else.
infact.. i don't even think about getting in another relationship anytime soon.
i'm more about my courier now.
about my future.. it's all what i'm thinking about now..
i actually feel better.
not that i have anything against your gendre or something ..
i'm still straight if that's what u mean, But i dont think that i'm the type of girl who wants to get married.
i mean all these cheerful occasions and the cheering life.. they are just not me.
i more of a MODERN WOMEN now.
all what's importent for me is what i'll make of my self.
i think i've been changed to someone else, huh ?!
but the thing is..
i'm not angry anymore..
i'm not weak any more..
i think i've become a more realistick person..
and i'm happy of what i've become..
a much stronger women.
but the thing is..
what has been happening very often lately that..
Guys ask me out and i often say yes but it turns to be that they think of me as a potential lover but i don't get the real of it until it's too late and they're already head over heels for me.
so you see. the thing that have been bothering me too much is that
i've become a cold-blooded HEARTBREKER !!

...

I realized something EXTREMLY

EXOTIC today..

i still miss u..

DAMN IT!!!

to be GREAT

Be not afraid of GREATNESS..

some are born great..

some achieve greatness..

and some have greatness all upon them..

quote

Time passes - even when it seems

impossible. even when each tick of the

second aches like the pulse of blood behind

a bruise. it passes unevenly, in strange

lunches and dragging lulls. but pass it does -even for me-

i can't do this

you know something..
i wish i could tell you i HATE YOU for once in my life..
may be if i expressed my anger i wouldn't feel so tortured.. so missed up.
you know..
yesterday when you told me you didn't love me..
i wanted to scream
to hit you with something
i wanted to beat the hell out of you untill i lose all my power and die..
i wanted to die in your arms beating you.
untill now my tears are killing me.. i can't keep them inside
somehow they manged getting out of me..
it's as if my own tears can't stand me anymore.
i don't wanna be pathetic..
i don't wanna be the wounded one..
always lying down on the floor in despair..
why did i ever love you?
are you some sort of punishment for all the things i do wrong..
i remember i was asking you to never give me your phone number..
i needed to be cruel with my self
even when my soul was shouting
no please
just stay
i just had to move on you know
it's the 100 th time you broke my heart..
and i just.. can't live any more..
yesterday i couldn't breath.
i asked god for a car to run me over
i really wanna get run over..
i really need to die.
i need anything else besides the fact that you don't love me..
why was i cursed with this heart
i need to know
why?
why can't i just tell you that i hate you so much
that i resent you so much
i resent all the lies i had to go through in our relation ship
and in the same time
there is another person inside of you that i hold dear to my heart
it's the friend in you whom i've never found
i never found someone who could understand me that much..
may be that someone is the only person that spared your life
without this person i would've killed you
i just can't take it any more
how can i move on when the only person i can rest my head on his sholder is someone i'm not allowed to do that with.
i no longer want your lover
i hate the lover inside of you..
he represents all what i've ever hated in men.
i just can feel the danger bounces all over around him.
but still..
that other person i cherish so much that it makes me look like a fool when i don't get comfortable talking about what upset me so much with someone else beside you..
for that and for that only..
i can't live without you..
i'll b okay
i'm always okay
that's the only thing that i could manage lying on my self with..
even if in this moment all what i wanna do is scream
i'm not fucken k
how could i live with that
that in the same time i need the friend in you so much i resent that other person who crushed my heart ruthlessly one time after another.
should i talk to you you as a friend
talk to you about some guy i have a crush on..
we did that once
you said you cant be that person
what the hell was that crap
why can't you b that
we both know you never loved me
i mean i'm nothing compared to your little miss perfection.
then why on earth wouldn't you want to be my friend in what i need
what about my fucken needs!!

i don't know what i'm suppsed to do right now
but i know that i need someone inside of you
so, will you be here beside me?
cauze i can't do this alone you know

i kind of..

you know..
it's kind of hard for me to go away without taking some pieces of you with me..
i've tried to fill your place but it didn't work.
no one ever fills your place.
it's too big to be filled. there's always some space that is empty.
and the emptiness always takes the bigger half..
you know what?!..
i think i kind of..
miss you.
i don't miss just the lover inside of you..
i kind of miss the person..
the feelings..
the caring.
it's not that i'm not surrounded by much of care. ihave plenty of that.but it's just that with you..it was always different.
you were always -for me- something more beyond of that..
for me you were all that i have of love, friendship, understanding and above all of this.. you were my faith in god.
and untill this moment i can see god's meracles in you.
now you are my raw model.
i don't mind being alone , you know.
i just don't like to feel lonely.
and without you.. i'm always alone. even if the room's crowded with dozens of people i know.. they just fill a little gap from between two bigger spaces in my heart.."your love, and your friendship"
so do it what ever u want..
go away..
get as farther as you want.
just don't take all of me with you..
leave me something that i can live with.
leave me some of your soul.
cause i miss u like hell.
and it sucks.