i can't do this

you know something..
i wish i could tell you i HATE YOU for once in my life..
may be if i expressed my anger i wouldn't feel so tortured.. so missed up.
you know..
yesterday when you told me you didn't love me..
i wanted to scream
to hit you with something
i wanted to beat the hell out of you untill i lose all my power and die..
i wanted to die in your arms beating you.
untill now my tears are killing me.. i can't keep them inside
somehow they manged getting out of me..
it's as if my own tears can't stand me anymore.
i don't wanna be pathetic..
i don't wanna be the wounded one..
always lying down on the floor in despair..
why did i ever love you?
are you some sort of punishment for all the things i do wrong..
i remember i was asking you to never give me your phone number..
i needed to be cruel with my self
even when my soul was shouting
no please
just stay
i just had to move on you know
it's the 100 th time you broke my heart..
and i just.. can't live any more..
yesterday i couldn't breath.
i asked god for a car to run me over
i really wanna get run over..
i really need to die.
i need anything else besides the fact that you don't love me..
why was i cursed with this heart
i need to know
why?
why can't i just tell you that i hate you so much
that i resent you so much
i resent all the lies i had to go through in our relation ship
and in the same time
there is another person inside of you that i hold dear to my heart
it's the friend in you whom i've never found
i never found someone who could understand me that much..
may be that someone is the only person that spared your life
without this person i would've killed you
i just can't take it any more
how can i move on when the only person i can rest my head on his sholder is someone i'm not allowed to do that with.
i no longer want your lover
i hate the lover inside of you..
he represents all what i've ever hated in men.
i just can feel the danger bounces all over around him.
but still..
that other person i cherish so much that it makes me look like a fool when i don't get comfortable talking about what upset me so much with someone else beside you..
for that and for that only..
i can't live without you..
i'll b okay
i'm always okay
that's the only thing that i could manage lying on my self with..
even if in this moment all what i wanna do is scream
i'm not fucken k
how could i live with that
that in the same time i need the friend in you so much i resent that other person who crushed my heart ruthlessly one time after another.
should i talk to you you as a friend
talk to you about some guy i have a crush on..
we did that once
you said you cant be that person
what the hell was that crap
why can't you b that
we both know you never loved me
i mean i'm nothing compared to your little miss perfection.
then why on earth wouldn't you want to be my friend in what i need
what about my fucken needs!!

i don't know what i'm suppsed to do right now
but i know that i need someone inside of you
so, will you be here beside me?
cauze i can't do this alone you know