A Story of Being EMO !!

i think about my self.. i don't know what am i doing!!.. i'm changing and very VERY fast to something so VAGUE .
i don't know anything about it..
all the romantic memories are held deep inside of me.. and on the surface lies something else.. something from another dream..a dark one !!
i'm being gloomy from inside and acting cheerful on the outside..i'm wearing black all the time and from within i yarn for the colors..
the emo phase i'm goin' through is so demanding.. i need to be something else while from within.. i can't be but me..
i discovered that i'm too nice to be agressive.. and although i'm really rough on the outside "or so it would seem" i'm still so tangable and sensitive from within.. i get hurt and hide it with my violent act..
i'm such a SCHIZOPHRANIC person..i can't even understand what am i tryin' to prove to everyone else?!..
what am i tryin' to prove to my self?!..
that i stopped caring?..
well, FUCK THAT !!

i dont need to show ANYBODY that i'm so sewed together while i just FALL APART when nobody's looking..

i jst want to be me for once.. without caring.. i'm so messed up!! i feel so lost..
and i'm afraid to admit it.. but i still think about THE ONE PERSON who will be my other half..
Just DESPERETLY NEED A SOUL MATE..
and i know it sounds so childesh and stupidly romantic for someone like me.. but still, i need to live it real.. may be jst so i van believe again..

i need to believe that their's someone out there for me..
looking for me jst the same..
that their is something such as miracles.. that they really do happen..
i need my miracle to be him..
my soul mate
he'll mean a whole lots of things to me..

i keep trying to force my self into this eno thing..
it's like forcing my self into a key hole in the door..
i'm so VARIOUS to be in one style..
i'm so disconnected and full of everything.. i even surprise myself..
i cut my hair the EMO cut.. so unique, yet so agressive and not booring..
got the emo socks, the emo outfit, the emo music style.. the noise..
everything.. but still, something's wrong ..i even cut my self and their was no blood !!

and now, wearing black but yet.. being cheerful is so phsyco that i don't know who am i any more !!

i think i forgot how to cry..!!
and my currentlu most romantical dream is to find him who would gladely take me in his arms so i could cry deeply and ask him anxiously..
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE U BEEN ALL THOSE YEARS?!"
Yeah!!.. where the hell are you?
why aren't you here beside me?..
Now look at me.. i'm so broken and messed up.. and WHINING!!..
i can't admit it ,still..
but inside of me i know i'm only Bluffing.. i really need someone..
Everybody needs someone beside them.. it's a part of who we are..
the thing is.. i've always denied my needs.. even when that bastard left me all broken and messed up.. i couldn't admit that i was broken.. i even shouted clearly to anyone who tried to help me..
"STOP TRYIN' TO FIX ME..
I'M NOT FUCKIN' BROKEN"
YEAH. i thought that being agressive will hide all of my severe pain and injury..

well, it worked !!
but i'm still severly injured and now..
their's no one to fix me..
no one's know i'm broken..
and i'm too DAMN PROUD to admit that i need somebody..
anybody..!!

oh GOD..

why is it so hard to understand..
is it for some sort of a "HIGHER CAUSE?!"

Well, i'm fuckin' tired!!..
i need some space..

i need someone who for once understand everything i've been through..
my abandoned father.. my destroyed childhood.. my fucked up last romance
and worst of all..
my can't-have'babies trajedy..

without even needing to talk..
cause i'm jst sick of words..

i can't accept it.. i just woke up and found out that life isn't worth living..

how can i be so stupid.. i mean jst convincing everyone that i'm that super girl who doesn't care and doesn't have anyproblems, while i'm torturing myself from within..

now everybody thinks i'm tough and that i don't need anybody.. but in fact, this is the story of me turning to EMO..

the real me is just hiding.. and that girl is so EMO that she doesn't fully understand "what do others mean when they call her a tough girl"?

maybe because she was hiding a long tome inside of me..
i can't get the hang of things when she appears to the surface..
and now being emo is jst like putting her appearance on my fake behaviour..

it's like wearing black and being cheerful..
doesn'r MIX..
but still,
i'm different..
and i BLIND any how!!..
so do you still think i'm weak?!
i think i'm EXCITING.. so how about that?!!

feb16,2009

what the HECK !!.. love is TORTURE any way ..

i jst don't know anymore
what am i?
am i the kind heart person
or have i developed into something more predator?
life make u change..
the changes that comes to be in u are because of the influences that others had made on u
we influence each other in a way we could never think about
and may be that's what i became
i became something more of like a teacher
i stopped caring about my relationships
just lost the interest one day
cause i found that
love is torture
it's jst not worth the suffering
and now..
i only have interest when it comes to fixin' other ppl's lives
may be i became something UNDEFINABLE
but what i care about for now
is to have my magic touch back..
on other ppl' lives
i can spare them the severe pain of missing up their lives.. their love.. and their personalities
jst being lost searching for the truth of themselves
because that's what i have became
i'm always in a way searching for the unfulfillable truth
about what i was
and what i can be

so jst for now
i'll stop lookin' for the one who makes sense of who i am
and jst be spontaneously magical and influence every lost soul i found in my way of achieving self confident and loving life

what the HECK !! love is TORTURE anyway..